The Parody of the Ring
by upwiththebirds33
Summary: The first part of Lord of the Rings, as never seen before! Featuring sewer rats, croissants, and much, much more! Thank you to Agent 047 for the use of her wonderful characters Aunt Kyle the cat and Severus the raccoon.


**Chapter 1: Of Cheese, Croissants, and Sewer Rats**

GALADRIEL (V.O. in Elvish): Flaming pineapple happy turtle cheese pancake…

GALADRIEL: Well, here goes. I hate public speaking. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away—

PIPPIN: Uh… Lady Galadriel?

GALADRIEL: Yes?

PIPPIN: Aren't we in Middle-Earth?

GALADRIEL: Oh. Right. Okay, here goes. Well, once upon a time, some people made some fancy rings and they gave them to some other people, and there was a war or something, blah blah blah, something about Isildur, yada yada, the end.

GOLLUM: Don't forget the Precious! Hisss! Precious!

GALADRIEL: Oh. Oops. Gollum called his ring that he stole his precious, causing much pain for Lord of the Rings viewers. The end.

 _Frodo is sitting on a rock. He sees Gandalf and runs to meet him._

FRODO: You're late.

GANDALF: Am not.

FRODO: Are too.

GANDALF: Am not.

FRODO: Are too.

GANDALF: Am not.

FRODO: Am not.

GANDALF: Are too.

 _Frodo bursts out laughing, and Gandalf pouts because Frodo tricked him. Gandalf kicks Frodo out of the cart and Frodo pouts because he hit his arm on the side of the cart. Eventually, they make it to the home of Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo comes out the door when Gandalf knocks, raising an eyebrow._

BILBO: I said, no admittance except if you are bringing cheese!

 _Bilbo grows wistful for a moment._

BILBO: I love cheese.

 _Gandalf hands him a particularly large wheel of cheese that he has magically conjured out of the air. Bilbo accepts it happily._

BILBO: Oh, thank you! Come in, and you can have some cheese too!

GANDALF: Bilbo, you haven't aged a day.

BILBO: Why thank you. Life is so much nicer now that I don't have that cat anymore. I hope Pippin is taking good care of it.

 _He walks inside, and Gandalf and Frodo follow. As he sets the cheese down on the table, Gandalf sees a mural on the wall depicting Isildur holding the ring. He looks around and sees that all the decorations are ring themed._

GANDALF: Really, Bilbo?

 _Bilbo enters the room, carrying a ring-shaped tray with ring cookies and wheels of cheese in the shape of rings._

BILBO: What?

GANDALF: Never mind.

 _They sit down and eat the cheese._

* * *

 _Later:_

 _At least a hundred hobbits are milling around, drinking and dancing. Sam and Frodo are sitting at a table in the midst of the festivities._

FRODO: Hey Sam. Go ask Rosie for a dance.

SAM: I don't wanna!

 _Frodo takes Sam's mug and pushes the other hobbit into the crowd. Sam sighs. Bilbo is telling a crowd of young hobbits a story._

BILBO: And then, the sun rose and the trolls let us go because we gave them some croissants. The end.

 _The hobbits gasp. Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are rustling around in the fireworks tent._

MERRY: Pippin, it's this one!

 _He holds up a firework with an sewer rat stenciled on it._

PIPPIN: (gasp) It's LePuchi! I thought he was extinct!

 _Both hobbits grin mischievously as Merry lights a match and holds it to the firework._

PIPPIN: Merry! It goes in the ground!

 _Merry looks confused, then realizes what is about to happen. He attempts to toss the rocket back to Pippin, but it goes off in midair. The rat swoops through the night sky, frightening quite a few hobbits. Suddenly, the two friends are lifted off their feet. They turn to see a livid Gandalf._

GANDALF: What have you done? Fool of a Took!

 _After yelling at the hobbits, he puts them on dishwashing duty, but they break all the plates so Gandalf lets them go. As they sit down, the crowd yells for Bilbo to give a speech. He steps to the front, standing on a chair._

BILBO: My dear hobbits. You are very wonderful, even if you think I'm crazy. However—

 _Breathless anticipation._

BILBO: Crazy people don't know they're crazy. I know I'm crazy, therefore I'm not crazy, isn't that crazy?

 _The crowd is confused. Gandalf claps, although he's the only one. The rest of the crowd begins to clap halfheartedly._

BILBO: And now, it it time for dessert.

 _The crowd begins to clap for real. Bilbo puts his magic ring on his finger and disappears, but you all know that. Bilbo goes home and packs his things, he gets in an argument with Gandalf, and he leaves. The end._

 _Just kidding. Gandalf gives the ring to Frodo and leaves randomly. Well, actually not randomly, but too bad._

FRODO: Oh well. Bye Gandalf. I'll be sure to eat all the croissants.

GANDALF: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 _Gandalf runs back to the hobbit-hole and steals all the croissants, then leaves again. Frodo sighs._


End file.
